Let’s be honest. Holiday gatherings can be wonderful. They can also be tense, chaotic, and filled with unexpected conversations that start with “I’m just saying” and end with someone storming off with the leftover pie.
This season, what if you approached the holiday table the same way you’d approach a tricky meeting? What if you used a few techniques from Essential Facilitation™ by Interaction Associates, the same ones used to bring teams together in high-stakes corporate environments?
Good news. You don’t need to wear a name tag or carry markers. You just need a few smart tools and a mindset that focuses on connection, clarity, and a little humor.
Here are four techniques that can help you facilitate your way through the holidays.
In facilitation, one of the first things you do is establish ground rules. At home, this can be as simple as suggesting some basic agreements early in the day.
You could say, let’s all make sure everyone gets a turn to talk. Or maybe, let’s keep this a politics-free zone for today. Or, my personal favorite, if you brought a dish, you have to say one nice thing about another person at the table before you serve it.
These are all rooted in what Essential Facilitation calls a learning contract. The idea is to make it easier for people to participate fully and respectfully. When the expectations are clear, people tend to rise to meet them.
It’s a contentious time we’re living in. Chances are that when you bring a lot of opinionated people together, some uncomfortable conversations will happen. Even if you followed step #1. There are a couple ways to manage this.
If you don’t want to address it at all, you can always refer to the original agreements you made from step #1. You can say something like “I understand we have strong feelings around this, but let’s save it for a separate discussion at another time like we agreed upon earlier.”
Now, maybe it’s more of a one-on-one situation and you’re open to having the conversation. The person you’re talking to might say something that immediately raises your blood pressure. Maybe it's a spicy opinion. Maybe it is a not-so-subtle jab. Instead of taking the bait, you can bracket it.
Bracketing is a facilitation technique where you internally acknowledge and set aside your own advocacy, argument, point of view, or judgement and become curious about the speaker’s point of view.
Instead of responding to them with, “You are totally wrong and I hate that you even brought that up,” you might say, “it sounds like you have some passion behind this. Have you considered other perspectives?”
This means you’re not dismissing what they’re saying, you’re recognizing it, bringing the temperature down, and allowing for a more civil response that they’re more likely to actually listen to rather than immediately disregarding.
Family decisions during the holidays can feel like free-for-alls. Choosing a movie, deciding when to eat, figuring out who’s doing the dishes. These are perfect moments to borrow a technique from Essential Facilitation’s agreement-building process.
Here is how it works:
First, someone presents a proposal. For example, let’s open gifts after dinner.
Then, check to see if everyone understands what is being proposed.
Next, ask if anyone cannot agree to it.
Finally, confirm the decision and make it visible. For example, great, we will start gift opening at seven.
It sounds simple, and it is. But using this kind of structure can reduce passive resistance and get everyone moving in the same direction.
Small talk can be draining and sometimes painful. While some thrive and love it, the rest of us would rather watch paint dry.
As facilitators, we shouldn't rely on small talk. Instead, we ask questions that invite people to reflect, share, or connect. Instead of “How’s work?” try “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” or “What’s been bringing you energy lately?”
A thoughtful question can open up real connection and maybe even sidestep the awkward silence between courses.
So this year, try showing up not just as a guest or a host but as a quiet facilitator. Bring some structure. Hold space when it matters. Protect the vibe. And if things go sideways, bracket the moment, refill your glass, and remember that pie is always a unifying force. And don’t forget, if you want to learn these tools to help manage any difficult situation, check out Essential Facilitation™.
Happy holidays, and may your gatherings be just a little more peaceful this time around.