The importance of being silent

What if our silence was viewed as inadequacy?

At one time or another we've all coached a group of people who give us "the silent treatment", who sit in awkward silence after we ask a question. This lack of immediate response tends to make us consultants nervous. After all, we're paid for answers. We are hired to produce results, to find solutions. So we start talking, to fill in the uncomfortable space. We start talking and talking and sometimes we forget to be quiet.

Recently at an Interaction Associates' client site, we found ourselves in this very situation. When our questions produced a dreaded silence that permeated the room, we got very busy communicating, working both sides of the questions to fill up the emptiness. As this one-sided dynamic progressed, someone in the room suggested that we "make more space for the uncomfortable silence." This notion made us apprehensive. What if our silence was viewed as inadequacy? What if our silence was taken for "not knowing"?

Despite our fear, we decided to let the silence happen. We backed off of our instructive role and simply sat with the quiet truth of the group before us. And wonderful things began to happen. "Being, not doing" made space for people to step in and step up. The insights brought about by this inward focus allowed us to really see the people in the room and to receive their wisdom.

One of the benefits of silence is that it creates shared responsibility; it works on both sides of the process. As a coach, when you take time to still yourself, you are better equipped to interact collaboratively. You give yourself permission to think and reflect, to witness more fully what is happening in the room, to sit with the client and see their value, creating a deeper understanding of the problem at hand.

For the client, silence is like holding up a mirror so they can see themselves. It creates a reflective space for processing and response. Silence gives everyone time to still their mind from distractions, to "be, not do", to observe, to listen, to sit with whatever comes up and to find the right questions to ask. Silence is a respectful initial stance and a good first step into a new culture or situation.

John Heider's "The Tao of Leadership" (his adaptation of Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching), #23 tells us, "Be Still. The wise leader speaks rarely and briefly. After all, no other natural outpouring goes on and on. It rains and then it stops. It thunders and then it stops. The leader teaches more through being than through doing. The quality of one's silence conveys more than long speeches. Be still... In order to know your inner wisdom, you have to be still. The leader who knows how to be still and feel deeply will probably be effective. But the leader who chatters and boasts and tries to impress the group has no center and carries little weight... Reflect. Be still. What do you deeply feel?"