By directly addressing feelings and needs in coaching and performance conversations, we avoid the practice of making assumptions and we can motivate the whole employee.

How do you ensure your top performers stay motivated?

Human beings are born with the ability to develop their emotional intelligence. But many of us weren’t taught how to express our feelings effectively, how to be explicit about our needs, or to ask for help in meeting our needs.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) was introduced by psychologists John Mayer of UNH and Yale’s Peter Salovey. Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More than IQ brought the concept of EQ into mainstream culture. Goleman made a compelling case for cultivating EQ in the workplace. His studies showed that the difference between star performers and average ones is 90% attributable to "emotional intelligence factors rather than cognitive abilities."

Question: What makes an Olympic athlete a Gold Medalist, besides natural ability and practice?

Answer: The desire and willingness to go beyond perceived limits. They have the ability to get what they need in order to stretch, to risk, to exceed.

Successful managers understand that high performers, like professional athletes, possess a combination of high ability and high motivation.

Learning a vocabulary of feelings and needs enables managers to ask and get what we want more effectively, and to help our employees to do the same. For example, most of us have needs for appreciation, support, effectiveness, and safety. Those needs are often not met day-to-day in our work. We can know that they are not met by how we feel – dejected, sad, and resentful. When those needs are met, we feel content, energized, even playful. When someone says: "There’s not enough admin on this project," we are hearing a request for help to meet a need for support. If the need for support isn’t met, the employee may feel anxiety, even despair. As a manager, here’s an opportunity to help an employee meet an important need.

"Sounds like you’ve got some real concerns about getting the project in on time." Or, "Help me get clear on this. What would help you meet your need for support?"

A workplace scenario

A large company’s On-Line Business Group is seeking a consultant to help upgrade the user-friendliness and look of the website. The leader of Business Group, Sandra, has delegated the decision for selecting a consultant to a project manager, Brandon. The due date for the selection is Friday, just three days away. Sandra hasn’t received an update this week. Making deadlines matters to Sandra. The project has a relatively high priority. She values knowing what’s going on. Right now, Sandra doesn’t know what’s going on, and is somewhat concerned.

Deciding to take the initiative to check in with Brandon, Sandra reaches him on his cell phone. Here’s how the conversation goes.

Sandra: Hi Brandon. Glad I caught you. What’s happening with the consultant search?

Brandon: Oh, hi Sandra. Yeah, sorry for not keeping you up to speed on that action item.

Sandra: OK, so what’s happening?

Brandon: We’ve narrowed to three candidates and are doing reference checks.

Sandra: Will you be done by Friday? That’s the due date, right?

Brandon: Still shooting for that. Depends on whether we can get hold of the references.

Sandra: And if you don’t?

Brandon: I guess we’ll slip on that due date by a day or two. I don’t want to decide without a third party confirmation.

Sandra: OK, well, keep me updated.

Brandon: Sure thing.

Sandra: Well, OK. How are other things going?

Brandon: Good. Pretty good.

Sandra: OK, that’s good. Well, bye then.

Brandon: Bye (as Sandra hangs up).

What did you notice about that interaction?

For one thing, Sandra gets right to the point of asking Brandon questions. She’s aiming to meet her own needs for clarity and control. But what Sandra doesn’t do is more compelling and of consequence. Sandra doesn’t communicate what she needs nor does she inquire about Brandon’s experience or needs.

Sandra’s approach of avoiding feelings and needs might have the following unintended effects. Brandon may feel criticized. His need for being seen, appreciated, or supported --- needs that all of us have --- will not have been met. Nor will Sandra be completely satisfied. Her own needs for effectiveness, clarity, control, even connection, have not been met. She hasn’t gotten much from conversation, and Brandon is left with a bad taste in his mouth.

What’s the alternative? In the following scenario, Sandra employs a different strategy to meet her needs and Brandon’s needs.

Sandra: Hi Brandon. Glad I caught you.

Brandon: Oh, hi, Sandra.